Mitt Romney: Captain Underpants!
What looked like a shoo-in for the Republican nomination got more interesting on Tuesday when Santorum edged out Romney in Mississippi and Alabama.
Romney put up his dukes and fought back. Bam! He took Hawaii. Wammo! And Samoa. Santorum’s gains are keeping it entertaining, but whatever Fox News might say, Romney is going to win.
I’m not saying this because I’ve weighed up the demographics, or have the number of Rick Santorum’s bookie (although that name does belong to a loan shark in an Elmore Leonard pulp). Even if Dr Evil manages to steal the Unobtainium from the secret vault and thereby put the finishing touches to his Death Ray, then proceed to blast every voter in the remaining states with a mind-numbing concoction which transforms them into vacant Santorum-voting…oh…perhaps he already did that…anyway, even if Dr Evil kills every Romney supporter on the spot, Mitt is still going to win. I know this for a fact.
How do I know this? Because Mitt Romney wears special underpants.
We all know that the surefire way to tell that someone is a superhero – apart from them being able to stop stampeding trains with one hand while picking their teeth with the other – is that they wear special underpants. Usually, superheroes wear these special underpants over the top of their tights. This is their way of telling us that they are now in superhero form, ready to battle the Forces of Darkness.
When you see the underpants, you know you are going to be saved ( if you’re one of the good guys) or pounded into a very small puddle of goo (if you are Dr Evil). You know that if that underpant-wearing superhero decides to jump off the top of a tall building he- unlike you – will not end up looking like Jackson Pollock decided to use tomato soup for paint on the pavement below. No, those underpants have a loud and clear message: “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, I think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly……” Anyway, Mitt Romney has a pair—of underpants.
You see, Mitt Romney is a Mormon and one of the things that Mormons have to do (besides having lots of wives) is wear what the House of Mormon blushingly refers to as “Temple Garments.” Now, a ‘Temple Garment’ is not a robe or a sash or a headdress. It’s a pair of knickers. To be more accurate: a pair of knickers and a t-shirt. What we used to call a “combination” back in the days when we used outdoor privies and needed to keep our tender areas warm while Nature called. All endowed members of the Church of Latter Day Saints must wear one of these undergarments at all times, day and night. Why? To remind the faithful of their commitment to God and of their vows of chastity. The idea is that if the notion strikes you to commit adultery, the sight of your “Temple Garment” when you undress, preparatory to the act, will prevent you from going through with it. That, or your partner in potential sin will die laughing.
But the ‘Temple Garment’ is not just a way of making Mormons bridle their lustful impulses. This religious underwear is sewn with sacred symbols: a reverse L shaped symbol on the left breast, a V shape on the right, horizontal lines on the stomach and one on the knee. And there’s more: many wearers believe that the garments possess a protective value. Stories abound of the times Temple Garment wearers experienced miraculous rescues from car wrecks and other disasters. The garment doesn’t just save you from sin. It saves you from certain death. Just like a superhero.
So when Romney stiffly walks out to accept the Republican nomination, I want you all to remember one thing. He might look like the model of a normal white dude, but under that suit and tie something special lurks. Something with arcane symbols, an open crotch and legs that go all the way down to the thigh. As he waves to the crowd and grins, Mitt Romney, Republican presidential hopeful will be wearing his very special underpants, and thinking: “Obama, here I come.”